Can I Just Say I'm Sorry?
by AwkwardlyAwkward
Summary: There was a falling out years ago, and now if things can't get fixed, both of them may fall apart over it. Can sorry fix everything and put things right? Rated M mostly for smut (in later chapters, not up yet). Chapters one through three up now with more to come.
1. Chapter 1

The dark clouds overhead and the down pouring rain fit the wizard's mood as he walked along the deserted streets, opting for the long walk from the edge of town instead of apparating to the doorstep of his destination. As the cool rain hit his face, his nervousness about what he was about to do started to come back to him. This was probably not the best idea, but he couldn't hold everything in anymore. He needed to talk to him. See his face. Anything. It had been too long and he felt like he was dying inside.

For the past six years, since that last time he had set eyes on Lucius, he had been struggling with their bitter farewell, wanting nothing more than for it to get resolved, but that hadn't happened, and now he was losing it. He felt like he would seriously die if he couldn't see him again. He wanted to die now anyway, his dark thoughts of suicide taking over his mind more and more as time went on. He was hoping things could be resolved between the two of them, but he wasn't too confident. It had been so long and the bitterness from their farewell could have grown into hatred on Lucius' side. Hopefully that wasn't the case, but if it was, he knew the suicidal thoughts would win and his life would end. And that would be okay because he no longer could handle living without talking to Lucius anymore. Even if things couldn't be resolved, at least he would have seen Lucius' face one last time.

Pushing open the gate that led to the manor, there was a quiet creak, seeing as it had started to rust. The man frowned as he heard it, the frown only deepening as he saw the long grass and overgrown bushes that were all over the once well-kept grounds. Lucius must have really given up to no longer care about the appearance of his home, and the dark-haired man feared what the man inside would look like. If Lucius let his grounds, which could be seen so publicly, be a mess, what would he himself be like? The man walking up the path knew that after Narcissa and Draco had left, Lucius had rarely shown his face in public, the last time being over a year ago. All of this made the visitor more uneasy, worried about the state that Lucius would be in.

He approached the vast double doors of the great manor and swallowed nervously. It felt like the biggest moment of his life, standing on this doorstep, although he'd been through so much over the years. This moment could change everything. He closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths and knocked quietly on the front door. It was a quiet knock, barely audible, but the sound rang throughout the empty manor. The man waited in silence, staring at the door, wishing it would open soon. Each passing second felt like an eternity, his heart fluttering nervously and his stomach tightening into a knot as he waited. After what felt like years, but was only a couple of minutes, the doors parted slightly and there he was.

But the wizard who answered the door looked nothing like the proud man he once was. Lucius stood at the partially open door, looking out at his visitor, saying nothing. His eyes looked dead and there were bags under them, as if he hadn't slept in weeks. His robes had a hole in them and looked unwashed. He smelled of alcohol and his hair was a mess, not to mention the scraggly beard that was trying to grow on his sunken cheeks, just as it had the year his son had been made into a Death Eater. He stood there quietly, looking at his guest vacantly, as if he could not even recognize him even though they had known each other for decades.

Could a heart explode from happiness and yet break at the same time? Because that's how it felt for the man looking at Lucius. He was looking at the man that he had missed so much, and his heart was overjoyed just to gaze upon him. But Lucius looked so terrible and far from who he had been that it hurt to see. Not because the man loved Lucius for his looks, but because it meant Lucius didn't care about how he looked anymore and he hated that he had given up on anything. The man's dark eyes slowly took in the haggard man, not wanting to miss a detail, memorizing it all in case the door was slammed on him and he didn't get a chance to apologize.

The two of them stood in silence, looking at each other, memories of past years filling both their heads. The visitor was the one who broke the silence, and although he had planned a long speech to ask for forgiveness, all he was able to whisper was, "Lucius."

At the sound of his name, the blonde's eyes seemed to look alive for a brief second, but quickly returned to their dead look and he nodded an acknowledgement. He replied in kind, saying only his visitor's name, "Severus."


	2. Chapter 2

Snape couldn't help but smile slightly as his name was said. Even that was more than he had expected. When they had parted, Lucius had been calling him by his surname, so when he was called Severus, a spark of hope shone.

"Can I come in so we can talk?" he asked, not daring to breathe as he waited for an answer. The older wizard just continued to look at him vacantly, but finally stepped aside, allowing room for Severus to step inside. Snape's heart skipped a beat and he stepped inside, looking around as he heard the door shut behind him.

He had visited this place many times before, but never had it seemed so empty and unlived in. White sheets hung over all the furniture and everything was covered in dust. As Snape was gazing around, Lucius walked past him, heading up the grand staircase. Severus hurried to catch up, staying on Lucius' heels as they walked. Lucius led the way to the east wing of the house. This was where Snape had spent many nights when he stayed at the manor. It was known as the guest wing, so why was Lucius heading there? The master bedroom was located in the west wing, as was Draco's room, although they were on different floors.

Lucius headed to the room at the end of the hall, the one Snape had stayed in the most, opening the door to a small sitting room. There was a door on the other side of the room that led to the bedroom, but Lucius just walked over to one of the couches in the sitting room and sat down, gazing out of the window. Snape quietly closed the door and went to sit across from the silent man. He watched him for a few minutes, waiting for him to say something, but Lucius just stared out the window, almost as if he had forgotten that he had a visitor at all.

"Lucius?" Snape asked, watching the other wizard carefully. Lucius slowly turned to look at Snape, his face still vacant and disinterested. Snape took a deep breath and continued, "I'm sorry Lucius. For everything. I should have apologized years ago." He paused at that point to see if Lucius' face had changed at all, but there was no reaction so Snape went on again. "I want to make everything up to you. I can tell just by seeing you and walking through the house that you've lost yourself. Everything is a mess. You're a mess. I've never seen you care so little about your appearance." At this Lucius' eyes dropped to his hands in his lap, and Severus started to plead, "Please let me help you get back on your feet and get you back to the way you used to be. Please."

Lucius shook his head slowly, his eyes still downcast, but Snape was not going to give up that easily. This was no longer about himself and getting forgiven for what had happened. Now it was about getting Lucius back to the man he once was, and Severus was going to do whatever it took in order for that to happen.

"Lucius. You know you need help. And even if you don't forgive me for everything, I'm still going to help you. You need it" Snape said, his tone soft. Lucius shook his head again and gazed out of the window. Snape sighed and decided to change the topic. "I'm going to go down to the kitchen and make us some food. Can you come down in fifteen minutes for dinner?" He took the silence that followed as a yes, and headed to the kitchen.

Each room he passed through looked as empty and dusty as the previous one. The only one that had looked even remotely lived in was the sitting room that they had been sitting in. Severus came to the conclusion that that was probably where Lucius was staying then. Maybe he had decided to get out of the master bedroom after Narcissa had left. Not that the two of them had spent many nights together, but it must still be painful to sleep there without her. As he got to the kitchen, the only other room that looked like it had even been visited in months, he dug through the cupboards to try and find something to eat. There wasn't much, and Snape guessed that Lucius had been eating through the stores slowly, if he had been eating at all, and hadn't gotten fresh food in a long time.

He grabbed a couple of cans of soup and dumped them in a pan, using his wand to light the stove and letting it heat up. He looked around for more food, but there wasn't anything else. The first thing he would be doing would be getting food for this place. Just as he decided that the door creaked open and Lucius stepped into the room. He didn't say anything but just walked over to the stool in the corner of the room, sitting down.

Severus wondered if that was where Lucius sat when he ate. Just by himself, hunched up in the corner, as opposed to at the lovely dining table that he had in the manor. Snape poured the soup into two bowls and handed one of them to Lucius along with a spoon. He leant against the counter as he ate his own soup, his eyes on Lucius to make sure the other wizard was eating as well.

Lucius only finished half of his bowl of soup before getting up, putting the bowl on the counter and leaving the room, all in complete silence. Snape sighed again, and set to cleaning the bowls and putting them away. Once he was done he debated on whether he should go back and talk to Lucius or go get food to stock up the kitchen. He decided to let Lucius be alone for now and apparated back to his own house.

He walked around the house, throwing what he needed into a trunk, deciding he was going to move into the manor, even if it was just for a few days. He packed basic potions supplies and a few spare robes but did not think he needed anything else. Lucius did not seem to care enough about anything, so Severus did not feel like he would argue him staying for a night or two. And even if he did, Snape was sure he would be able to find a room to stay in, even if Lucius did not know about it seeing as the manor was so vast. He sent the trunk to the manor and headed to his kitchen to get what food he had. It wasn't much, but it was still more than Lucius had and at least it was fresh. After packing all of that up into a knapsack he returned to the manor, apparating directly into the kitchen. He quickly put the food away and leant against the counter again, crossing his arms and thinking.

What to do now? He could clean the kitchen or go and talk to Lucius. He wanted nothing more than to go talk to Lucius, as he had been waiting six years to do so, but he didn't know if Lucius would want that or would want to be alone for a bit longer. He decided to allow Lucius more time to himself and so he started to clean the kitchen. He could only focus on that for about five minutes before stopping. He couldn't stand it any longer. He left the kitchen and headed up to the east wing of the manor, to the end of the hall, pausing only for a moment at the closed door before pushing it open and stepping inside.


	3. Chapter 3

He pushed the door open slowly to see Lucius sitting where he had been earlier, now with a bottle of Firewhiskey in his hand. Snape walked over to him and held out his hand for the bottle, but Lucius just shook his head and took a drink. The dark-haired man decided not to push it and let the man keep his alcohol. He sat down, resting his head against the back of the couch and closed his eyes.

"Whadda you doin here?" he heard from a slurred voice. His eyes snapped open immediately, looking at Lucius curiously. In the over forty years that they had known each other, Severus had not once heard Lucius slur his words. He was always very articulate, even when drunk.

"I'm here to help you Lucius" Snape whispered, eyeing the bottle of Firewhiskey that Lucius was now chugging. "And I think you should give me that Firewhiskey."

"NO" Lucius shouted, clinging to the bottle as if his life depended on it. "An I dun need your help. I'm f-fine" he stammered. "You hurt me. You dun wanna help" he hiccuped and took another swig of the alcohol.

The mention of hurting Lucius made Severus feel extremely guilty. "I never meant to hurt you Lucius" he said in a hushed voice. "I never wanted to hurt you or Draco or anybody else."

"YOU CHOOSE THEM OVER ME. I thought we were friends." Lucius was close to sobbing now. He nursed his drink, frustrated as the bottle emptied. He threw it across the room, and it soared just an inch over Severus' head before crashing against the door, shattering into pieces.

"Lucius, I-" Snape started.

"NO!" Lucius screamed once more. "WE WERE FRIENDS. I CARED ABOUT YOU. AND YOU CH-CHOSE THEM. THEM! NOT ME. YOU WANNED ME TO DIE"

Snape sat quietly as he was yelled at, not saying anything to defend why he had done what he had during that last battle of Hogwarts. Everybody knew that he had been tortured by Voldemort and that he had almost bled out after a bite from Nagini but somehow managed to save himself. That much was made clear at the trials held after the war, where he was welcomed as a hero even though he never wanted that. What most people didn't know was how he had run into the Malfoys as they were running away and had tried to convince them to go back into the fight. Lucius had wanted him to run away with them, but Severus was sure that going back into the battle would be better for all of them. There was a reason behind it, but he had never said what it was. That moment caused a huge rift in their friendship, with Lucius believing that Severus cared more for Potter and Dumbledore than he ever had for him. This wasn't the case, but Severus could not have explained his reasoning to Lucius at the time. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. The yelling went on for quite some time and he just let it, suffering it in silence, knowing that trying to explain things to Lucius in this state would probably yield no results.

After what seemed like years of screaming, Lucius' voice broke and he started sobbing, his cries interrupted only by his hiccups. Snape couldn't bear to see him cry and got to his feet, walking slowly over to Lucius.

"You need to go to bed Lucius. You're drunk and tired" he said, reaching out a hand to help Lucius up, but the blonde wizard just shook his head stubbornly and stayed sitting down.

Snape sighed and leant down, grabbing Lucius by the top of his arms and pulled him to his feet. Lucius tried to straighten his robes and took a small step, starting to stagger. Luckily, Severus was able to catch him and steady him. He wrapped an arm around Lucius' waist and headed towards the bedroom door, opening it up and half-dragging the drunk wizard into the room. He led him over to the bed and sat him down on the edge.

"Get some sleep Lucius. I'll be here in the morning to help you" he said as he was straightening up, only to find himself being pulled down on the bed next to Lucius. "W-what are you doing Lucius?" he whispered, looking up at the older man.

"You know whad I'm doin" Malfoy slurred, trying to climb on top of Snape.

Snape's eyes widened, staring at Lucius in surprise. It had been years since they'd been that close and he hadn't thought that Lucius craved him that way anymore.

Reason started to nudge at his mind. Lucius was clearly mad at him, because he'd just yelled at him, so he probably wasn't doing this because he missed Severus. Also, Lucius was very drunk. So he probably wasn't really thinking about what he was doing, he was probably just horny. And Snape had decided to help Lucius get back to how he used to be and he knew that the right thing to do would be to get out before something else happened. To go find another room to sleep in for the night and leave Lucius here alone. But as he felt Lucius' scraggly beard scratch against his chin, and their lips met, his eyes closed and he threw reason out the window, kissing him back passionately.


End file.
